Growing up I considered myself a “tomboy.” I had three brothers and was constantly competing with the guys. I was a strong, confident, ambitious woman
How your relationship can benefit from having separate rooms
I love my partner. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. And while I want to share my life with him, I do not want to share a bed or a room if given the choice. It can take courage to go against the norm, and share how sleeping with my partner is not my ideal. Many times when people would visit and see that my partner and I had different houses or different rooms, they often interpreted it to mean that something was not good in our relationship. And actually, for us, it’s the opposite.
Why I prefer my own bed
- He thinks I take up lots of space when I sleep, and it’s true. Thus, I don’t like anyone taking up potential space that I can fill during my nightly aerobics. I roll from one side to the other throughout the night, I need my space.
- I like having a body pillow on either side of me and thus my body pillows don’t leave much extra space for another human being.
- He snores! Enough said!!!
- I am a light sensitive sleeper and when someone else is in the bed, I don’t sleep as well; I am usually restless throughout the night.
- He likes the fan and I don’t like the wind sensation on me while I sleep.
Why I prefer to have seperate rooms
- I like to cuddle under a big blanket so I like the room temperature cold. He likes to sleep with just a sarong covering the family jewels, so he likes it warm.
- I like to use my sound machine and he likes it silent
- I like to wake up when my body decides it’s had enough sleep. He likes to set alarm clocks. If his alarm goes off before I wake up, I can’t go back to sleep.
- I like to go straight into meditation, he likes to do other things before he sits for meditation.
- I usually work out during the time that he meditates, not compatible activities.
- We have different evening routines and times we like to go to bed. He’s moving around while I am trying to fall asleep.
- We have different preferences around cleanliness, organization, decorating and let’s just say our preferences don’t always go well together.
- We both have spaces we can go to for privacy.
For some, sleeping in a separate bedroom makes your relationship look like it’s just hit the rough surface of rock bottom. There are a lot of people out there who define a good striving relationship as harmoniously cuddling one another in the same space every single night. And I want to take this opportunity to speak to different strokes for different folks. All night cuddles isn’t for everyone and it doesn’t have to have any correlation with their love for one another.
In this video I share some reasons why you might consider having separate rooms and how it can help to keep your passion for each other burning.
Living or sleeping in separate spaces is not the norm and so it might bring up various things inside of you as you contemplate it. Whether or not you decide to do it, exploring these questions in this worksheet can give you access to fears and desires that exist within you around this topic. Simply getting in touch with them and acknowledging them can be beneficial for your own growth and centering. Your answers can be windows into deeper layers in your psyche, and your wounding. This worksheet is also a great conversation guide for how to address this topic with your partner.
A research that is discussed in TEDx Manhattan about couples and their relationship with sleep said that “sleeping together doesn’t guarantee a successful relationship.” Couples should always opt to prioritize sleep rather than longing for security and social closeness at night. A good sleep has way more benefits that can help your relationship flourish and thrive during hard times.
The main reasons why couples benefit from not sleeping together:
1. Sleep interruptions – snoring, touching, rolling – you name it. These disruptions can result in poor sleep and restlessness.
2. Different Schedule – not all couples have the same routines around waking and sleeping and everything that happens in between. Some may opt to work best at night and the other might be an early riser. Getting good quality sleep and having the freedom to adhere to our own flow helps us to show up as our best selves.
3. Room Temperature Preference – people have different preferences around temperature, which can cascade into a range of other debates. Some prefer the air con over the fan or vise versa. And this can be influenced by the sound or sensation of either one, and then who sleeps where. And preferring different temperatures can lead to blanket battles.
Sure, these are mundane reasons to deal with, but a relationship that is deprived with sleep is more likely to fight even on petty things.
How’s this landing? Is this something you are getting curious about? You want to give it a try and see how it goes and what it brings up and what it opens up in your relationship? If you are up for giving it a try, download the worksheet to support you and your relationship on exploring this option. And here are ways you can start sleeping in separate spaces:
Reflect on What Works and Doesn’t Work
What works for other couples doesn’t necessarily mean that it will work in your relationship too. Sometimes it takes an amount of trial and error to get to the place where you want your relationship to be in. Every experiment is always worth it; it is a chance to learn something new about yourself and relationship dynamics. Appreciate one another’s efforts, especially when considering the long-term benefits and compromises.
Talk to your partner
The more you can be open and honest and say the things you are scared to say, the more space for authentic connection you create. You are likely to get more honest answers from your partner if you offer them yourself. Authenticity opens up space for more depth and intimacy. When you talk with your partner, hear what your partner’s needing and feeling around this topic. Be mindful of taking things personally and misinterpreting a preference they have to mean something negative about you. And, together, see what solutions you can come up with that work for both of you.
Schedule Your Time Together
Sleeping in separate spaces can improve the quality of your sleep but can also be a footstool for miscommunication and other emotional deprivation. Scheduling your time being together can maintain a good balance of understanding and sexual connection. As you create a space where you can greet one another in your best selves. You’ll see the re-ignition of excitement and attraction.
My partner and I found that we greet each other with more love and presence when one walks into the room, because we are in the same space with the intention of being together. We have more eye contact and more affection as a result of this. Our love making feels more connected as well. I hope this was helpful in exploring another idea of how to live with your partner that may be outside of the norm.
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