Before they hired me, a couple came to me struggling to communicate and divide household chores. Between running a business and having a kid, it felt like there was always something to do.
Studies continue to show that each person often thinks they contribute more to household chores.
In a recent session, during one of their check-ins, they were sharing their appreciation and celebrations for the last two weeks. Both of them had mentioned how the dishwasher moment was really profound and my curiosity was peaked. They didn’t offer any more details than ‘the dishwasher moment’ so I had to wonder… what happened exactly? Did they have sex on top of the dishwasher? Was there some big epiphany while standing at the dishwasher? Naturally, I asked for more details.
See neither of them enjoyed emptying the dishwasher in the morning, each doing it begrudgingly and resenting the other when it was their turn.
One morning the woman came downstairs and found the dishwasher empty. Normally she would rush onto the next task, but this time she recalled what she had learned in Adored and went about it differently.
She paused for a moment to focus inward and took the time to actually feel the pleasure in her body that she experienced when she saw that the dishwasher was empty. This kind of practice helps us to get out of our heads and “turbo do mode” and back into our bodies and thus more into our feminine nature.
She also remembered learning in Adored to take the time to express appreciation to your man when he does something and share with him SPECIFICALLY what it did for you and let him FEEL how what he did mattered, instead of a passive ‘Thanks’ or no recognition at all.
So, my client went up to her man and expressed how seeing the dishwasher emptied made her feel relaxed, joyful, and loved. She also shared about how not only did it have an impact on her morning, but it also stayed with her throughout the day. She felt cared for and was grateful for the team nature of their partnership.
The expression of her true, authentic joy really landed for him. And, as a result, he started to look forward to emptying the dishwasher (a task he used to hated doing).
He was inspired by how much of a difference it made for her at the start of her day and her happiness gave him the motivation he needed to want to empty the dishwasher; it completely changed his experience of the task.
Another impact that her appreciation had on him, is that it removed his impulse to want to tell her that he had emptied the dishwasher (which was something that really annoyed her). He no longer felt the need to point out that he had done it, because he knew it was making a difference for her.
Our partners feel appreciated and recognized when we’re able to receive their help, but being able to receive gracefully (especially in the face of past disappointment) can be difficult for so many of the women and couples that I work with.
Because feeling received and appreciated is so fundamental to the health of a relationship, it’s often an important part of the work that I do with couples who are wanting to improve their relationship.
Whether you’re a man or woman reading this article thinking “that couldn’t possibly happen for us, I hate housework too much” or “there’s no way my partner could ever be excited about emptying a dishwasher” — you’re in the right place.
In this article:
This content will support you to open and receive from your partner in new ways, understand how to help your partner receive better, and help you to recognize all that your partner does do to have them continue to contribute to you and the relationship.
As I wrote about in the opening story, the shift my client made to fully receive her partner’s help was done by really slowing down to take the moment in. She stopped and paused to really take in the pleasure she felt when she saw the empty dishwasher and really connect to what that meant for the rest of her day. A task taken off her to-do list, a few more moments to herself, energy for something else, the feeling of being loved and supported. She let the joy take over her body and gratitude fill her heart.
The secret to being able to receive (and continue to allow more help in) is to slow down.
Become more mindful moment to moment.
Notice what’s happening in your body as things are happening in front of you.
Receiving is a practice and a muscle you can strengthen.
The best way to allow more in and receive better is to slow down and do less.
Yes, that can feel like a confronting thought for most women who are used to doing it all and who have gotten ahead by accomplishing big tasks on their own. In order to receive you have to create space, let go of control, and open yourself up to the experience what’s in front of you.
It requires a slowness, a vulnerability, and a connection to your body that you may not be used to dropping into.
Practice taking deeper breaths and pulling back when you might normally jump in to help or handle something on your own. Notice your desire to control or handle a situation or task. If you ask for help, let your partner complete the request. Let yourself fully receive from him.
The truth?
Your partner wants to feel you, like my client’s partner in the opening story. Everything shifted for him when he felt the impact of how his support made his partner feel. Your ability to graciously receive helps your partner to feel connected to you. When you stop controlling and stop trying to over-do, he can actually experience your true essence and be of service to your femininity. And as a result, you will experience more intimacy and a deeper connection.
Once you’ve really connected to your body and let the act of service or gesture from your partner impact you fully, don’t skip an important step: expressing your gratitude and appreciation.
Even if it feels like something mundane around the house, recognize and appreciate your partner for their help. Let him know what exactly his help allows you to do now instead. Let him know how it makes you feel (once you’ve connected to that within yourself) and express to him what it provides for you.
When your partner feels like he is making a difference in the relationship he will feel inspired to continue showing up and wanting to be of service to our desires and future needs.
Help around the house may provide organization and a sense of peace in the midst of a busy week. Help handling something complicated may provide a sense of ease and trust. Whatever it is that your partner’s help provides to your life, make sure he’s aware, too.
Feeling genuinely appreciated both allows our partner to feel more connected to us and also motivates him to want to do more. It activates his attention towards you and increases his ability to anticipate your needs.
Your reception and full appreciation to him is the gift in return he receives from supporting you.
A key to getting your partner to willingly and joyfully help you, is knowing the difference between making a request and making a demand. Very often women think they are making a request, but what’s really happening is that they are stating a demand. Check out this video to learn the difference between the two:
When you make a request, there’s a neutrality inside of you which allows the other person to honestly feel whether they’re a yes or no. They have total freedom to make a choice that feels most aligned with them.
When you make a request, and the person says no, there’s no guilting, shaming, sulking, or blaming. There’s also no punishment, withdrawal, or controlling. There’s a clear acceptance and honoring of the person’s decision.
So the difference between a request and a demand isn’t necessarily in the words that you use, but in how you respond to the answer that you are given.
When you make a request of your man, it is something that he can fulfill. There’s a choice, freedom, and honor in his actions.
When you make a demand, it is something that he submits or complies with. Demands are often done with a sense of obligation and duty. They remove the honor from the man’s actions.
Your ‘request’ will either evoke a man and a servant, which do you want to invite into your life?
If you want to figure out whether you’ve been making requests or demands of your partner, take a personal inventory. Get really honest, have your requests actually been demands? If you have the courage and are available to hear any answer without defensiveness, ask the people in your life if they feel comfortable to say no to your requests (keeping in mind that their discomfort to say no might also be their own stuff).
This could end up being a big blindspot for you like it was for me. I used to think I was making respectful requests, but when I really got honest with myself I could see how my perfectly formulated requests were actually demands.
To receive more help and support in your relationship, you want to first become aware of how you are contributing to your present circumstance. Where can you start to become more aware of your role in both asking for and receiving help from your partner? How can you open yourself up to accept more help and find the courage to ask clearly for the support you are wanting? Understanding your patterns and how you work is the first step to making changes to the dynamics in your relationship.
Recognizing the role you play is important so that you can allow your partner to be more involved in your life and the expression of your feminine nature. Practice your receiving muscle daily, there are endless opportunities to be receptive to what life and your partner offers to you.
Watch out for common receiving traps, and take responsibility if you fall into them. With practice, you will be able to watch the best come out in your man and you will feel more at peace knowing your dynamic is playing out in its natural order.
If you want to explore the topic of receptivity and empowered communication more, check out my Masterclass ‘Stop Blocking and Start Receiving.’ During this class you will learn:
And for those who want to go even deeper, I have an entire module on receiving in Adored, my online group program for women. Where you learn the why’s and how’s behind our behavior and uncovering our blocks to receiving fully will have a huge impact on the quality of our relationships and dating experiences with men.
Adored is full of life changing content, coaching, and tools to help you stop pushing away your partner so that you can build a foundation of deep intimacy, trust, and communication. Join the waitlist to join my upcoming group cohort here.
Understand what’s blocking you from receiving, so you can get your needs met without always having to do all the work and have your partner feel successful, competent, and excited about providing and taking care of you.
Understand what’s blocking you from receiving, so you can get your needs met without always having to do all the work and have your partner feel successful, competent, and excited about providing and taking care of you.
© 2022 Justine Baruch All rights reserved.
