Why Women Struggle to Receive and How Men Can Help

Justine Baruch
September 23, 2024
2:27 am

I worked with a couple, Sarah and John, who were struggling with a common issue in their relationship. Sarah had a hard time asking and receiving help, which manifested in several behaviors that created tension between them. She was constantly on the move and your typical over-giver and over-doer.

John would often offer to help with various tasks, but Sarah’s response was usually, “I’ve got this.” Even when John stepped in to assist, his efforts were often met with criticism about how he did it or the speed at which he completed the task. This made him less inclined to help, but then he was met with complaints about how he didn’t help. Basically he felt like he was damned if he did and damned if he didn’t.

This dynamic left John feeling confused and hurt. He wanted to support Sarah but felt shut out and unsure of how to help without causing more friction. Despite his efforts, Sarah’s inability to receive left her feeling exhausted and unappreciated.

During our sessions, we uncovered that Sarah’s difficulty in receiving help stemmed from an unconscious belief that she needed to do everything herself to feel worthy and valuable. She feared that accepting help would make her seem weak or inadequate.

We worked on helping Sarah understand that receiving is not a sign of weakness but a vital part of a healthy relationship. John learned how to create a safe space for Sarah to receive by encouraging her to share her feelings and by stepping in to help in a way that didn’t feel intrusive. Together, they practiced small acts of receiving and giving, gradually building a more balanced and harmonious dynamic in their relationship.

Understanding Why Women Have a Hard Time Receiving

Many women find it challenging to receive for several reasons. A significant barrier to receiving is a sense of worthiness. This feeling of unworthiness is often unconscious, meaning women are not conscious aware that they think this way, but it shows up in their inability to fully receive compliments, help or gifts. Women will often deflect compliments, downplay the kindness shown to them, and feel obliged to give back when they are given to.

Receiving can also feel vulnerable and uncomfortable because when one is giving, they are in the power position, making them feel needed and valued. When one is receiving, they can feel indebted and as though they are not contributing, thus lacking value. This vulnerability can be daunting, especially for women who have been conditioned to be self-reliant and independent.

Another crucial point is that receiving can create a sense of obligation to give back. This perceived obligation can be overwhelming and stressful, leading women to decline help or compliments to avoid the pressure of reciprocation.

For example, if a man buys a woman a drink, she may feel obliged to give her number or a kiss at the end of the night. If he buys her dinner, she might feel the need to see him a second time, kiss him, or go home with him. In a relationship, if a man helps out, a woman might feel she has to give back immediately.

Additionally, when women get stressed, they often go into overdrive, constantly doing and giving. Many women live in this state of overdrive, unable to slow down. They end up in a continuous cycle of doing and giving, which makes it hard for them to receive.

Practical Steps Men Can Take to Support Their Partners in Receiving

Encouraging your partner to receive compliments and help without immediately reciprocating is a crucial first step. When you offer a gesture or kind word, help her pause and appreciate the moment. Reinforce that it’s okay for her to simply say thank you without feeling the need to deflect or give back instantly.

Creating safe spaces for your partner to receive is another essential aspect. Communicating your intentions clearly can also alleviate the pressure of feeling obliged to reciprocate. Make it known that your gestures are given freely, without expectations. This clarity can help your partner feel more at ease in accepting your support.

If she is aware (or you help her to become aware of a potential unworthiness wound), you can remind her that it’s okay to accept help and that it doesn’t diminish her value or strength.

Acknowledge when she successfully receives without deflecting or discounting will help to rewire her brain to a new way of being. Praise her efforts to accept kindness and reassure her that it’s a positive step towards a more balanced relationship.

Supporting your partner’s sense of worthiness is another key step. Regularly express your admiration and appreciation genuinely and sincerely. This helps to establish a foundation of love, respect, trust, support and care for one another.

How to Help Your Woman to Receive Better

It’s important to understand that men and women handle the burdens of life differently. When men are stressed, they instinctively unwind, rest, and recharge. In contrast, when women are stressed, they go into overdrive, over-work, and do-do-do mode. They have an extremely hard time slowing down, putting down what doesn’t need to be handled in the moment, and taking care of themselves to fill back up.

Before understanding this difference, I too was guilty of overdoing in my relationship. When things got busy with work, I would speed everything up and take on more than I could physically handle. This behavior only added to my stress and made it harder for me to receive help and support.

When your partner needs support, she may not know how to ask for it. She may not even realize that she needs it. In these moments, you’ve got two options for how to best support her.

Option 1 is to encourage her to set something aside. Ask her how her day was, how she’s feeling, and what has her overwhelmed. Getting her to talk about her feelings can help raise her oxytocin levels, which will reduce her cortisol levels. This process can rebalance her nervous system and make it easier for her to receive. From that place, she can take a step back, allowing you to draw her a bath or think more clearly about what support she needs moving forward.

Option 2 is to take over the tasks that need to be done and send her to a hot bath or shower. This action can help her shift out of turbo-do-mode and into her body, allowing her to relax and receive your support. The bath and self care are also great ways to help her body produce oxytocin, thus lowering her cortisol, taking her out of overdrive mode.

Helping your partner to receive better involves helping her slow down. Respectfully reassure her that you’re there and want to help take things off her to-do list. Make it clear that all she needs to do is ask. It’s important to note that if you say you are going to do something she’s stressed about, it is crucial that you follow through with your word. This consistency will build trust and make it easier for her to accept your help in the future.

When Women Learn to Receive They Become Softer

Supporting women in their ability to receive is crucial for fostering a deeper, more harmonious connection in relationships. By understanding the challenges women face in receiving and taking practical steps to support them, men can help create a balanced and appreciative dynamic in their partnerships.

When women learn to receive better, it not only benefits them personally but also strengthens the relationship, creating a softer, more intimate, and harmonious dynamic.

If you would like to better understand some of the differences between men and women and how to best support your woman in being less stressed, check out my free lecture ‘How Men and Women Handle Stress Differently.” This lecture is packed full of key insights that will help you to better understand and communicate your own needs, as well as helping your woman tend to hers.

*If you initiate watching this lecture together with your woman and having a discussion afterwards about which parts resonated for each of you, you are likely to get good partner points.

My signature program for women

For the woman who wants to better understand her man, drop more into her feminine, and know the secrets to create her ideal relationship

How Men & Women Handle Stress Differently

Do you want to learn how to best support yourself and your partner in coping with stress? Check out this video lecture.

Connected Conversations

Do you want to have more connected and deep conversations with your partner?

How To Feel Your Emotions

Check out this guide to stop thinking about your emotions or being overwhelmed by them and starts feeling them.

My signature program for men

For the man who wants to be an exceptional modern man who knows how to bring more passion, connection, harmony and fulfilment to his relationship

If you like this article maybe you also like: