We’ve all heard the advice to “raise your standards,” but what does that actually mean? How are standards different from expectations, and why is understanding the difference crucial for creating healthier, more aligned relationships?
Recently, I faced this question in my own life. After expressing my needs to a man I was dating, I realized that my expectations were leading to frustration because they were focused on what someone else should do. What I needed was to clarify and live by my standards instead—regardless of how anyone else responded.
This shift wasn’t just about romantic relationships. It changed how I approached friendships, family dynamics, and even my relationship with myself.
Let’s dive into the difference between standards and expectations, why it matters, and how you can use this insight to create healthier relationships in all areas of your life.
Standards are about you. They reflect how you choose to live and what you’re willing to allow in your life. They’re rooted in your actions and boundaries, not in controlling someone else’s behavior.
Expectations, on the other hand, are about what you want someone else to do. They’re tied to outcomes you can’t control and often lead to frustration when unmet.
For example:
The key difference? Standards empower you to take responsibility for your choices. Expectations leave your happiness dependent on someone else.
When you live by standards, you:
For example, in my own life, I realized I was frustrated because my expectations weren’t being met. I expected consistent communication, but I wasn’t holding to my standard of stepping back when my needs weren’t honored. Once I focused on my standards, the dynamic shifted—either people rose to meet me, or they naturally fell away.
This concept doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships. You can use it to improve dynamics with:
When you raise your standards, not everyone will rise to meet them. Some relationships will drift apart, and that’s okay. Growth often means letting go of dynamics that no longer align with who you are becoming.
But here’s the magic: when you live by your standards, you create space for healthier, more aligned relationships to come into your life.
Standards aren’t walls to keep people out—they’re invitations for the right people to come in.
Take a moment to reflect:
By focusing on what you can control—your own choices—you’ll feel more empowered, connected, and aligned in all your relationships.
Have you ever found yourself in an argument with your partner, wondering, Why don’t they just understand how I feel? Or maybe you’ve tried to help your partner through an emotional moment, only to have your well-meaning efforts backfire.
Have you ever wondered why some conversations with your partner flow effortlessly, while others feel like you’re speaking two completely different languages? Maybe you’ve felt unheard like your words didn’t land the way you wanted. Or maybe your partner seemed disengaged or frustrated, leaving you wondering what went wrong.
© 2022 Justine Baruch All rights reserved.
